Over-Apologizing: Strategies to End the Pattern

Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.